Mercedes Carrera has referred a couple of times to the phenomenon of #GamerGate friendzoning her.
That's ok #GamerGate has #friendzoned me anyway https://t.co/NBI5PGejff
— Mercedes Carrera (@TheMercedesXXX) September 16, 2015
Fucking hell #GamerGate stop #friendzone-ing me. It's getting old. https://t.co/toCFxPbQcE
— Mercedes Carrera (@TheMercedesXXX) May 27, 2015
The latter conversation is the one I think has the more interesting comments that I’ll be quoting from.
Raijin: “Have you ever respected a porn star so much that you just can’t get aroused when you look at them? What’s happening to me”
Mercedes Carrera: “Fucking hell #GamerGate stop #friendzone-ing me. It’s getting old.”
The Virtus Signum: “This implies that #gamergate supporters have little respect for adult film actresses. It’s actually incredibly insulting TBH.”
The Virtus Signum‘s conclusion is the direct implication of Raijin’s comment, but I don’t think it’s the real story. People aren’t always very good at self-analysis. The real story is is how we relate to porn. Porn doesn’t objectify women. The camera does not steal one’s humanity or soul with its magic powers. Mercedes is no less human after being photographed than before. But the porn is literally a bunch of objects: pictures, videos, etc.
When we view porn, we anthropomorphize the objects; we connect these images with an imaginary, sexy person. But many of us anthropomorphize it into a story that could include ourselves, and knowing the original performer may make it more difficult to suspend disbelief. It’s easier to suspend disbelief in a story about some crazy circumstances resulting in a woman who looks like Mercedes Carrera wanting to have sex with me than it is for a story in which the actual Mercedes Carrera wants to have sex with me.
Another thing that may change in the story is the point-of-view character. Perhaps the story me is suave and handsome with washboard abs, but the real me is a chubby nerd who is nervous when talking to women. Making it more about the real Mercedes may drag in too much of the real me.
The third factor may be that The Virtus Signum is right, but TVS is missing most of the implications. TVS says “it’s actually incredibly insulting TBH.” Let’s say people do have difficulty imagining someone they respect having sex with them. Who is really being insulted here? The adult performers, or the poor bastards who can’t imagine being in the picture? What would give people, especially men, the idea that a woman they respect won’t want them? Perhaps the narrative that men are creepy, dirty, and dangerous, the idea that sex with men is defiling.
Which brings up another point. Arean says: “…I think the idea might come from a place of societal puritanism. If sex in itself as in, the physical act, is not to be regarded as somehow base or ‘dirty’, it should have no bearing on respect.”
I think this is closer, but it may be missing the sexist factor in the equation; it’s only sex with men which is base or “dirty”. If you have noticed the way women behave towards male strippers, or the way lesbians flirt, which would be considered insanely creepy if they were men behaving the same way toward women, you see that women think their sexuality is not defiling the way men and women both are told men’s is. (I suspect that’s a factor in the popularity of lesbian porn.)
In reply to Arean, Nullius in Verba says: “It shouldn’t, but it does. It’s awkward, like having a classmate in your wank-bank at high school.”
This point reinforces the social difference, because women do not think that’s awkward in the same way when women do it. Women are cautious about admitting it, but it’s not a bit uncommon for them to wank to fantasies of friends they are attracted to. They are not trained to think that is disrespectful the way men are, but revealing it makes them nervous about being “taken advantage of,” whereas if men do it many of us feel we are somehow dishonoring the women involved. Certainly it’s beaten into our heads that it would be disrespectful to mention it. But if the fantasy woman is anthropomorphized porn rather than a representation of a real person in the fantasizers head, then we feel like no real woman is harmed in the making of the fantasy.
Paying for porn adds to the feeling that using it is a burden to the producer. After all, if you’re paying someone for a service, most often it’s something they wouldn’t choose to do otherwise. Please do not imagine that is a criticism of wanting to get paid for the work that goes into producing porn, I totally support that. But it does affect the customer’s perception.
There are also, of course, lots of men who do not do this friendzoning thing. I think they simply haven’t gotten the propaganda beaten into their brains the way I and others have. At the same time as I feel that it would be doing a disservice to a woman to wank to her, I am flattered beyond my ability to express when I hear from a woman that she wanks to me. The guys who don’t friendzone are the ones who feel things more equally, who imagine a woman would feel more like they would about it.
by 
Long time fan, first time caller. Great mini piece, and very insightful. The points you make about the masturbatory double standard was a part of the equation I had yet to consider. Keep up the great work!!
as a guy getting friendzoned is the worst, WAY worse then rejection of almost any sort, so why the hell would and guy willingly do it? you can still respect someone and still wanna have sex with them / masturbate to them, hell i would even consider that a double compliment
Whether it is worse or not is subjective. A rude turndown from someone might give you cause to have them and dismantle your unreturned feelings for them so they are not there to haunt you. Friendzoning is upsetting mostly because you are stuck liking the one who doesn’t like you back and the feelings will taunt you with hopes.
Of course it is all moot because Mercedes is telling a joke. If she did not want to be friendzoned she would be propositioning lots of Gaters… What have I missed the past year folks?
Love the article, and spot on. I have said this for awhile now, that men don’t objectify women, they create fantasies where they are interacting with a living breathing representation (anthropomorphize) of who they are attracted to. It’s not just some lifeless fuck doll there for their pleasure, the guy is fantasizing about pleasing HER, and hoping she will come out of the experience wanted more, and giving the guy love and affection.
If you asked me (I happen to write smut) why I tend to write more female on female scenes than male on female ones, the answer is simple:
The latter actually feels sleazier.
I could get away with far more forced behavior in female on female than I could with male on female, and that should be a testimony to the initial assumptions society has on sexual relations.
Interesting thing though, once I started doing male on female writing, people just started clamoring for more, just goes to show that Biology beats Socialization every time.
Don’t worry Mercedes. If I wasn’t in a relationship already, thousands of miles away, having never so much as said ‘Hi’ on a BBS, I’d totally bang the living fuck out of you. For what it’s worth, I am pretty sure I would enjoy it even though you’re smart n stuff, even if I couldn’t promise you would do the same (hard to get excited over 12 seconds of awkwardness).
So keep your chin (or various and sundry other bits) up. Most men don’t know that women like sex too (sadly true), and are conditioned to basically deify women. Myself, I can appreciate a truly spectacular ass without shame. Thus, I am a fan on a couple of levels.
Cheers.
I hadn’t thought about that: the feminist idea that sexy pictures objectify women is strikingly similar to the Native American superstition that pictures steal your soul!
Very nice article with great ideas 🙂
I have a huge respect for women that are mature enough to deal with male sexuality in an honest way, including the issue of wanking.