I know full well that part of my purpose here is to wade into the most moronic parts of the internet and debunk the most insipid lies pushed by feminist ideologues and imbeciles. Therefore, it was only a matter of time that I get to some roots of #GamerGate ire and step into some poorly rendered Polygon. Thats right I’m taking on that breed of dumbfucks. So where shall I begin. I could go with any of these choices.
But I think I’ll go with something a little bit more interesting. Something from their opinions section since that’s the bulk of their cesspool of idiocy. This gem comes straight from Ben Kuchera himself. So what rampant imbecilic shit has come from his gaping maw this time around? Well…. I’ve archived this, but here.
Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to be defending FPS classic Duke Nukem 3D. I’ve played and owned both the PC original of this game (even going as far as to play with level building once upon a time) and the Tiger Electronics game.com port of the title. Yes, I tortured myself that much. You’re welcome. So with that set Let’s Hammer This In!
First he ends up messing up by saying ‘racist grandpa’ as opposed to the more typical ‘racist uncle,’ though that might just be my family. Problem is, last time I checked, the only group that Nukem was racist towards were the INVADING aliens you were supposed to kill throughout the franchise.
Perverted? Well that would be more accurate with Nukem, so much so he could be loosely considered sexist. Most importantly though, he is consistently and comprehensively an idiot, despite being the venerated main character of his games. Even in his pre -FPS iterations on older computers Nukem is supposed to be the dumb lug that saves the day, being, at his core, a parody of the 80’s action hero. Sure, part of his appeal IS guns but there are the cheesy and sometimes campy one liners, with a hint of raunchiness to boot. Shadow Warrior was the same way. The only difference between the two series is one got a successful reboot.
Kuchera’s sadistic reminiscing aside there was much more than simply adding different types of guns that made Duke3D revolutionary. It was the first game of its kind that had a legitimate third axis to travel upon. In Wolfenstein 3D and Doom, like many seeming 3D games of the time, there was only legitimately one floor per level, just drawn in a way that it resembled a first person perspective. In the game’s code however you were playing a top down Gauntlet style game. There are multiple videos on Youtube on the subject so I won’t bore you with the details here. However Duke3D doesn’t use the same id software’s system but rather the BUILD Engine. This uses a 2.5D set up where a height component is legitimately added and more complex sprites are compiled. This is even more impressive at the time since the creator of the game engine started making it in his late teens.
Add the other game mechanics set up for the primitive online multiplayer of the day, and you have a very strong case for id software to start working on Quake. But I digress, the sex related cheap jokes pulled primarily from Ash from the Evil Dead series do flavor it and it is a flavor that was not retained by the time Duke Nukem Forever was released. The character just didn’t evolve, so he and his jokes were stale.
Interestingly enough he cites a forum post from 2007 presented without edits (I checked, and for once Kuchera is telling the truth on this). Stating that the reason the games’ multiplayer mechanics weren’t copied in his opinion were because the games at the time just couldn’t figure out the coding to do it. Now there are games that have similar weapons after this point but it took a longer time to figure such things out. He then makes claims about how creative you had to be in multiplayer at the time. While this may or may not be true I do not have any confidence that this is Kuchera’s actual experience from that time. Remember, this is Polygon. They can’t play games worth shit there from what we’ve seen. I doubt Kuchera is that good at a now nearly 25 year old FPS.
Now here is how I know he has no real idea about the multiplayer aspect of the game. I still have my original disc of the game that I got in 1995. On that disc in addition to the game is the BUILD Engine in full! That means you are able to design your own levels for the game, specifically for multiplayer purposes. I remember reading stories about LAN parties based purely on player created maps, and tournaments built in custom environments and even custom Dukes for those capable of the coding and bitmap designing. What I’m talking about here are full blown MODS! He then follows up with the line that tells you Duke was never meant to be taken seriously and talks about how he could be ‘changed’ to fit the times. Here is the thing, in Duke Nukem Forever I think they attempted just that – and failed…miserably.
Also on the ‘more interesting heroes?’ #NotAll, Mass Effect: Andromeda’s heroes seem to have turned out to be a complete set of incompetent miscreants from what I’ve seen. You can’t patch out a bad story EA.
Here he claims that 90’s humor is better than today’s, in some ways perhaps that’s true, but honestly you could make a shitposting Duke Nukem for today’s action hero. Huh, maybe that’s a thought for some of you game builders. Let’s create a Top Kek type of Duke Nukem! Perhaps…a PEPE NUKEM! The guns are more the easy point. How have guns in video games changed over the past 20 years? Not by much. Keep the chainsaw, twin pistols, shotgun, add an AR-15 and a few missile launchers. As for the addition to the holodecoys and mines, put in something like a bombchu from Ocarina of Time and a remote drone, and you could be looking at something hilarious.
Also Kuchera, learn your similes and metaphors. Its aged like MILK instead of wine, Tuatha de….you are an imbecile of the highest caliber. Seriously how did you even get a job as a writer much less an editor Kuchera? Your structure is horrendous and attempts at timing are just bad. Also I believe you grew up with DOOM like I believe Sarkeesian is a gamer. In other words, I don’t. Quit your job, delete your accounts and eat that sour chicken salad alone while you drink some boxed wine. Now THAT’S how you write something!
Well that was fun. We needed that after this very divisive week on the internets concerning the tragedy of the Skeptic Feminists. I could have spent this whole article on how to deal with shit like this but I think we needed a more lighthearted pick-me-up. So I hope you all had a laugh with this one and if you want to make the type of game I suggested. Well pipe up in the comments! I’m waiting for you! Please Remember to Game Freely!
- Breaking the Narrative Episode 124: Nice Try Kotaku! This Won’t Work Though! - July 8, 2019
- Breaking the Narrative Episode 123: We Shouldn’t Go Straight to Mars! How Anime Got Space Right! - July 1, 2019
- Breaking the Narrative Episode 122: You’re Reviewing What Now? The Dissenter Web Browser! - June 10, 2019