Berit Brogaard has an article in Psychology Today that Observing Libertarian discussed here. It lists 12 different behaviors that identify a man as misogynist. It’s a big ball of idiocy but there is some value to it. The main value I see is what it tells us if we flip the genders. If we flip the genders and apply its standards, we can identify misandrist women, and more than that, we can identify misandrist cultural norms. We will see that a lot of these misandrist behaviors enjoy the full sanction of society.
But first let’s look at how Brogaard frames the issue, because it’s telling when we flip the genders:
“In most cases, misogynists do not even know that they hate women. Misogyny is typically an unconscious hatred that men form early in life, often as a result of a trauma involving a female figure they trusted”
In most cases misandrists do not even know they hate men. They expect men to comfort them when they are hurt and that men will just “suck it up” when they themselves get hurt. They see nothing wrong with living in an economic system where men do the overwhelming majority of the dirty, dangerous, difficult work it takes to keep that system going and then turning around and crying about a “pay gap.” They see nothing wrong in insisting that rape never happens to men, or if it does it never harms men as much as it harms women, or in any case, all those rapes are just men raping men… (so what about the rapes of women where it’s just men raping women…?)
Misandry is typically an unconscious hatred that women form early in life, often as a result of a trauma such teasing, or boys failing to venerate the girls inherent superiority sufficiently, or just having to sit with icky boys in school, but more often as a result of socialization. They may not have been raped, or treated like second-class citizens, or in fact have been harmed by any man, but they were raised with a fear of men, as part of their gender identity, that hardens to hatred. This fear takes the form of stories and comments that cast men as an enduring threat. The formal name for this is a threat narrative. It is not only a macho trope of rampant, invincible man-brutishness, but it also is at the root of damseling.
Brogaard offers a checklist:
The following traits are typical of the misogynist:
1.He will zero in on a woman and choose her as his target. Her natural defenses may be down because he’s flirtatious, exciting, fun, and charismatic at first.
2.As time goes on, he begins to reveal a Jekyll & Hyde personality. He may change quickly from irresistible to rude, and from rude back to irresistible.
3.He will make promises to women and often fail to keep them. With men, on the other hand, he will almost always keep his word.
4.He will be late for appointments and dates with women, but be quite punctual with men.
5.His behavior toward women in general is grandiose, cocky, controlling, and self-centered.
6.He is extremely competitive, especially with women. If a woman does better than him socially or professionally, he feels terrible. If a man does better, he may have mixed feelings about it but he is able to look at the situation objectively.
7.He will unknowingly treat women differently from men in workplace and social settings, allowing men various liberties for which he will criticize female colleagues or friends.
8.He will be prepared (unconsciously) to use anything within his power to make women feel miserable. He may demand sex or withhold sex in his relationships, make jokes about women or put them down in public, “borrow” their ideas in professional contexts without giving them credit, or borrow money from them without paying them back.
9.On a date, he will treat a woman the opposite of how she prefers. If she is an old-style lady who prefers a “gentleman” who holds the door for her, orders for both and pays for the meal, he will treat her like one of his male buddies, order for himself, and let her pay for the whole meal if she offers (and sometimes even if she doesn’t). If she is a more independent type who prefers to order her own meal and pay for herself, he will rudely order for both and pay the check while she goes to the bathroom.
10.Sexually, he likes to control women and gives little or no attention to their sexual pleasure. Foreplay, if it occurs at all, is only a necessary means to an end. He likes oral sex but only as a recipient. His favorite positions enable him to avoid looking the woman in her eyes.
11.He will cheat on women he is dating or in a relationship with. Monogamy is the last thing he feels he owes a woman.
12.He may suddenly disappear from a relationship without ending it, but may come back three months later with an explanation designed to lure the woman back in.
12 ways to Spot a Misandrist:
2. As time goes on and the man is caught up in the relationship, the mask slips and She Who Must Be Obeyed comes forth. She uses a schedule of ever increasing demands to keep him off-center and struggling to keep up. She switches back and forth between flirtatious and coy to harshly derogatory and accusing. She will use all kinds of anti-male shaming language.
3. She will make promises to men and when she fails to keep them, she will make it look like the man’s fault for holding her to account. He is a beast, he hates women, he won’t indulge her in the way she feels entitled to.
4. She will make promises or commit to a set time to meet and then be late – repeatedly. Or she’ll set a date for something and then cancel at the very last minute. Meanwhile she is in agonies of guilt if she lets down any women in a position to judge her in any way, no matter how minor the failure may be.
5. Her behavior towards men is arrogant and condescending. If they disagree with her she will call it “mansplaining”, or she will say she feels “unsafe” or “afraid.” She will feel entitled to special consideration she would never grant a man, and when confronted on this, will insist that’s “different.”
6. She is competitive with other women, asking if some other woman looks better than her and very possessive of every moment of her man’s time. She feels entitled to check his cellphone or email accounts for correspondence with other women of for contact information. She is not only competitive with other women; in fact she is eager to point out how some woman did something better than men can and will opine that if women ran the world, we’d all be much better off.
7. She will unknowingly treat men differently from women at work. She may assign heavier physical tasks to men, she may exclude men from private conversations where business decisions are made, she may foster an atmosphere where men are expected to walk on eggshells around women, for instance establishing HR policies that enable women to claim harassment for small acts but nearly impossible for men to claim anything is harassment. She may even punish men’s claims of harassment as a form of harassment. In social settings she will confide in other women and freeze men out, or she will use men as fashion accessories to impress other women.
8. She will feel entitled to use anything in her power against her man, justifying this by saying “All’s fair in love and war.” or that she is just making up for millennia of patriarchal oppression. She may demand sex and back her demands up with scathing shaming language if her man isn’t interested, or she may withhold sex as a punishment or a bargaining tool for some service or material things he wants. If he displeases her in some way, she will banish him from their bed to go sleep on the couch. She will make condescending remarks about the failures of men in general or make cruel jokes about some man’s misfortune or injury. She may borrow money from her man and then call it a gift and refuse to repay it. In a work setting she may use information developed by a man and then wonder aloud what men are good for.
9. On a date, she will react in whatever way is contrary to the way the man is acting. If he makes some special effort to please her, she will pout and be dissatisfied. If he wants to chat, she will be distant or moody. If he pulls finally back, she will plead and play up to him. If he tries to pay for the date she may scold him for being old-fashioned and sexist and if he doesn’t she will scold him for being cheap.
10. Sexually she demands total control. Aside from dictating when and under what conditions sex will take place, she has no interest in his sexual pleasure at all, except to sneer at it occasionally and call him a pig. She may demand oral sex and call him a misogynist is he is uninterested but nearly accuse him of rape at worst and male-dominant misogyny at best if he expects her to give oral sex. She believes she has a right to control even his fantasy life and will call him a pervert or sex addict if he looks at porn, or even if he just masturbates. She has an inviolate right to all his orgasms.
11. She sees nothing wrong with casual affairs and if one turns serious, that’s her right too. And if she becomes pregnant pursuant to one of these affairs, she will demand that her man accept and raise the child as his own, or else he’s “’irresponsible” and “selfish” and “How can you do that to a child!!!??” and just not a Real Man.
12. She may disappear from a relationship, leave the country even, and then when she finally comes back, she will expect to be received like nothing ever happened and she can expect to be celebrated for this.
“Women haters (unconsciously) get off on treating women badly. Every time they can put down a woman or hurt her feelings, they unconsciously feel good because deep down in their hidden brain, their bad behavior is rewarded with a dose of the pleasure chemical dopamine—which makes them want to repeat the behavior again and again.”
Man haters enjoy treating men badly. Every time they shame a man for showing his feelings of expecting to be treated like an equal instead of a work horse or fashion accessory, they feel good because of the power they experience and because of the way it confirms their gender identity as a Princess, or “lady of the house”. The approval their friends and peers demonstrate is a source of pleasure too. Success in this behavior makes them want to repeat it over and over again to enjoy the rewards it brings.
Misogynists and misandrists really exist; misogyny and misandry are real. The difference is that misogynists are decried as losers and cads and brutes while misandrists are celebrated as Strong Women striking a blow for the Sisterhood and universal justice. It’s just the same old chivalry and gynocentrism tarted up as somehow progressive.
The misandrists may just be a few bad apples but they couldn’t get away with half of it if they didn’t have cover. Their various man-hating stabs and jibes and insults and expectations are part of the culture, our cultural norms protect and celebrate this kind behavior as “independent” or “sassy” or just their due as the special, wonderful creatures they are. These are lone wolves acting outside of cultural norms; they embody those norms. The norms they embody are so normal that when you call them out, you’re the one that gets looked at like you’re abnormal.
- The Woman Card - May 2, 2016
- Frat boy bachelorettes and the invasion of gay bars - April 15, 2016
- “Not my kid….” - February 22, 2016