“Dear Badger, I am a submissive male and I’m finding it very hard to find a good Dom. I’ve also had a hard time feeling good about myself. Society shows dominant men as what women want, and seeing that everywhere I start to feel as if there will be no woman who loves me as a submissive. Because of this, I feel inadequate and ashamed to be a submissive man. Anyway, my question is, how do I find a good Dom? Can you give me some advice?”
I want to start with acknowledging you for asking the question. The short answer is yes, you as a male submissive (sub) very much have a place in society. You are an individual and deserving of love. There is a distinction to be made between subjugation and submission. Subjugation means “to defeat and gain control of (someone or something) by the use of force,” while submission is “an act of submitting to the authority or control of another.” Often the two are confused, and there begins the long list of misconceptions most have about submissives, specifically male submissives. Subjugation is someone forcing another, defeating them, gaining control over them. That is the act of war. Submission is someone choosing to submit to an authority. Submission is a choice, not forced; it is a choice and therefore holds power.
For those who are unaware, I am a Dominant. I have been for 13 years. I was a Pro-Dom for many years. When submissives come to me, I honor them highly. They are placing their trust and innocence in my hands. That is gold, a gift to be treasured, and one that I am honored to receive. When I was with a sub, there was respect on both ends. If you are not experiencing this, then you are not dealing with a Dom but an abuser dressed in Dom gear.
Being submissive does not mean you are worthless. Every individual has their own unique way of being. The submissive is one of these ways of being. There will be people who fully understand BDSM and your enjoyment as a submissive, and there will be many who don’t. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for being submissive. Feel free to just share “I enjoy it.” There doesn’t need to be a response to “Why?” You can let them know that asking why you are a submissive is similar to asking why an artist is an artist. You just are, it’s a part of who you are and what you enjoy. Being a submissive does not make you less than, and it’s really important to hear and receive that. On the outside, people misconstrue a man submitting to a Dom as a pushover. This is untrue. I had many men from all facets of life who came to me to submit. They never handed over their power; they co-created an experience with me that left us both satisfied and fulfilled—a symphony of BDSM in which we would get so in the zone we entered a trance state; it was equal to meditation.
In BDSM, we call it “power play” because we play with the idea that power can be transferred. But the reality is, it cannot. I’m not interested in taking someone’s power, I have my own. Nor is it possible to take someone’s power. What is possible is meeting someone who calls themselves a Dom who comes into the scene with the intention of acquiring power. They are normally rude. Being rude is not the sign of a true Dom. And again, if someone is calling themselves a Dom with hopes to take people’s power, they are really coming from a place of powerlessness. They are not secure in their inner power. That may sound abstract for some, so what do I mean by inner power? It is exhibited as confidence, feeling complete and whole, the ability to listen closely to what is said, and feeling comfortable in their own skin. Those who are not in touch with their power are instead coming from a place of “victim.” To come from a space of victim creates a story of justification in their minds. These people did not enter BDSM for play but for revenge, and they are dangerous and abusive. My advice is to take your time to get to know each Dom and do not rush into any one choice. If a Dom does not have space for this process, move on. It will require being patient, but you’re worth it.
There will be women who prefer dominants, but they do not need to exist in your realm of possibility. You are the creator of what you want. You, the submissive male, have power to expect the Dom whom you truly desire. If you start to feel frustrated while you interview to find said Dom, take a break from searching. Burnout will not make the search happen faster and will leave you frustrated, unfulfilled, and can blur your judgment and put you in dangerous situations.
I had the honor of speaking with male submissive TJ Kirk, who you may know as The Amazing Atheist. Here is TJ’s experience as a male submissive:
“I should say that although I’m 29, I’ve only been an active sub for a couple of years. I was so ashamed of my submissiveness for a long time that from about 16 to 25 I just outright tried to repress it. From 26 to 28 I embraced it piece by piece. It really wasn’t until within the last year that I finally became comfortable with who I was and stopped letting it make me feel bad about myself. And it was largely due to meeting a Dominant who talked me through the stuff that was making it hard for me.
“Yeah. I think it was this ‘males must be dominant/women submissive’ dichotomy. I felt like my submission was a threat to my identify. And I felt really confused about wanting things that were painful and degrading because I was scared how that reflected on me.
“But after meeting a really great dominant and having a lot of soul-searching conversations, I was put more and more at ease ... I’ve been so much happier and less stressed.
“It’s important to create support with healthy Doms and other healthy subs. This may take time to create, but when you do it will be worth the search. The search may seem lengthy or you may meet them swiftly.”
Here are 10 tips from TJ on how to find the healthy and loving Dom you deserve:
- First, be friends with your Dom. Don’t buy into this notion that emotional detachment is a good thing. Don’t even consider anyone who doesn’t value communication.
- Impatience is a vice to avoid. You want someone who is in control not just of you but of themselves.
- Don’t hook up with a Dom who’s not a good person in your eyes. There are plenty of brutal sadists (or whatever you’re seeking) who are still empathetic and ethical.
- Someone who pushes you way out of your comfort zone before you’re ready and thinks your submission should be non-negotiable with no prior discussion isn’t even a Dom. They’re just an asshole. Don’t settle for a Dom who doesn’t fit you just because you’re desperate. Look for someone who is compatible. A real Dom doesn’t, in my opinion, say that only their desires matter. I see that a lot from people claiming to be dominant. There’s a difference between dominance and selfishness.
- There’s a distance between demands and just wanting fulfillment. There’s no reason for an unfulfilled sub to stay with a Dominant who only cares about their own needs.
- Don’t be afraid to make them earn your submission. It’s a gift. You should be considering their worthiness—even if your thing is that you’re a worthless cum-bucket or whatever.
- Don’t be pushy. And value the fact that your Dom is a person with depth and a richness of different feelings. Actually, both sides could use that advice. Don’t turn the other person into a fantasy.
- Don’t try to control your Dominant! Accept your own submissive nature and let them set the pace once you trust them to do so. They will take care of you. Just surrender. Not on a whim, but once you know they’re right. Don’t try to micromanage them.
- A good sub or slave can get what they want by making their Dominant want it too. Put out those vibes. Set a mood. Play with them. Seduce them with your subby charms. If you want a spanking, make your butt look spankable. [Kristal: Yes! Seduction not manipulation, no whining for what you want, but owning your power as sub and seducing! That’s delicious, and your Dom will be more than excited to play when seduced this way!]
- It’s not about powerlessness, but it is about not taking over control. It’s about being soft and loving and devoted and obedient because that’s what you want and that’s what will please your Dom. You want to make their pleasure your highest concern because pleasing them will please you. If it doesn’t please you, then maybe you need to reconsider what you are exactly.
TJ’s advice is priceless BDSM intimacy; if there is no intimacy, you will not feel fulfilled and are at risk of putting yourself in the hands of an abuser. Please take your time in your choice and recognize your value as a person. Your enjoyment of being a sub does not make you less than. If you do not feel cherished by your Dom, keep searching for the one who does cherish you. Never settle.
You can find more on TJ Kirk, The Amazing Atheist on his YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheAmazingAtheist
And on Tumblr: http://amazingatheist.tumblr.com/
- Why I’m not ‘anti-racism’ - February 20, 2017
- The death of the ‘Women couldn’t vote’ manipulative narrative - February 1, 2017
- The Feminist Haunted House … no joke - November 6, 2014