Enjoying and engaging in bite-play does not make someone a zombie.
Eating a gelatin dessert molded in the shape of a brain does not make someone a zombie.
Zombie jokes are speech. If you don’t like them, don’t listen.
Reading zombie-perspective fiction or playing zombie-perspective games is not a zombie attack.
Enjoying those media does not mean the user is secretly a zombie.
Games, shows, and literature which portray people as zombie attack victims do not infect players, viewers or readers with the zombie virus.
The involvement of some alcohol does not make mutually engaged roughhousing between two uninfected people a zombie attack by one against the other.
It is dishonest for you to smack someone in the mouth and then later label him a zombie just because his teeth were involved.
If you get drunk and bite someone because you wanted to, that does not make him a zombie, even if he bites you back.
When a person merely looks at you, that is not a zombie attack, even if you don’t want the attention.
A person who says hello to you is not automatically trying to bite you, even if you weren’t seeking engagement.
Asking you out for coffee is not a zombie attack, even if you don’t want to go out for coffee.
A discussion that does not involve you is not a zombie attack, even if you don’t like what’s being said.
A discussion that does involve you does not become a zombie attack if you don’t like the information you’re learning.
A person who walks with a limp is not necessarily a zombie.
If you hug a zombie, it is likely to bite you. It is your responsibility to know this.
If you have dinner with someone, that is not a zombie attack against you, even if you didn’t tell him to eat.
If your neighbor eats cheeseburgers knowing full well that you are a vegetarian, that does not make him a zombie.
If you don’t want dinner right now but your husband makes himself a sandwich and eats it, that’s not the same as feeding you or himself to zombies.
If you become infected and you bite someone that person is just as much a victim of a zombie attack as you were when you were bitten.
Zombie virus infection is not a gender-specific trait.
Gender does not affect whether a person attacked by zombies is a zombie attack victim.
The gender of the victim does not make a zombie attack any more or less scary, painful, dangerous, or fun.
Zombies do not eat people on accident.
Rumors of zombie attacks are not solid proof of a zombie invasion.
Calling someone a zombie does not make him a zombie. It does not justify locking him in the closet or shooting him in the face.
Zombie status doesn’t transfer by common human trait association. If one zombie has red hair that does not make all gingers zombies or potential zombies.
If you pass a person on the street, being a stranger doesn’t make him Schrodinger’s zombie. Neither does being male.
If an uninfected person bites you because you put your fingers in his mouth, that’s not a zombie attack even if you didn’t say “Bite me!”
If you do say “bite me” and someone does, it doesn’t make him a zombie if you didn’t mean it that way.
Locking up or shooting the uninfected does nothing to prevent zombie attacks against the general population.
If there is a cure for the zombie virus, administering the cure and then shooting the zombie anyway is inhumane. Even if you have no compassion for recovering zombies, such an action would be unproductive and wasteful. Administering a placebo and letting a zombie languish in isolation expecting to get better before you shoot him is equally inhumane, unproductive, and wasteful.
Surviving one zombie attack does not make you an expert on zombies.
Being a potential zombie attack victim does not give you an excuse to mistreat strangers.
Other uninfected people are not responsible for what zombies do.
Talking to other uninfected people about your rights doesn’t change what zombies do.
If you give someone permission to bite you, changing your mind while his teeth are sunk into your skin doesn’t make him a zombie.
Your personal dislike for a person does not make him a zombie or potential zombie.
If you use a needle to inject someone with the zombie virus, you’ve infected him, even if you didn’t bite him.
A person immune to the zombie virus does not have to conform to your expectations of suffering and degeneration after surviving a zombie attack. Failing to rot and fall to pieces is not an attack on other zombie bite victims.
Disagreeing with you about methods for defense against zombies does not make anyone a zombie sympathizer.
Hopefully this has cleared up a few of the more ridiculous myths that have been preventing our society from effectively addressing the impending zombie apocalypse that zombie experts keep predicting.
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Your Brains by Jonathan Coulton