OddLanterns

Breaking the Narrative Episode 65: Hello Uncyclopedia! Encyclopedia Dramatica’s Retarded Cousin!

Like I had stated last week I got a request to debunk Uncyclopedia’s article on paganism. I for a bit considered not touching it because it is supposed to be a parody wikia but then I thought for a moment that the best comedy needs a basis in reality.

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Also like many men I’m always up for a little self-deprecating humor and being pagan myself I’m uniquely qualified to tear this up and try to better improve their attempt at a joke. So, how does this relate to Men’s Rights and gender dynamics? Well to put it plainly there is not just the attempt to have all pagan religions tied to feminism but a suggestion that men can’t believe as they so wish. You can be as anti-theist as you want and mock who you like. This doesn’t mean that people don’t have the right to believe in what you may consider ‘stupid and harmful,’ much like I would suggest that perhaps a pack a day habit isn’t good for you, but I won’t stop you from smoking like a chimney.

So my approach here is going to be two fold: to deconstruct the bad jokes and tell how they fall flat then to help up your mocking game. Perhaps some of these can also be applied to other religious archetypes as well. But most importantly it will help make hilarious jokes about religions while still respecting the source and reasoning for their existence in the long run.  This will also perhaps expand on Alison’s video where she stated that religion was equivalent to an operating system on which our society flourished. Maybe it will even help figure out a new dynamic OS with which to go forward, with that treats all of humanity, with the dignity due to their basic rights. Well then with this to work from, Let’s Hammer This In!

So opening up they pull out a bit about paganfolk not being of the ‘civilized world.’ Now if you actually look into the old Latin that it comes from originally you’d figure out something very quickly. The term ‘pagan’ that we now attribute to the group of religious mindsets for all intents and purposes is Roman slang for what we call ‘redneck’ or ‘hick’ today. They were discerned from barbarians as those who don’t follow Roman edicts but still have some decency to them. Country folk. This is likely why most of the lefties that do adopt non-Abrahamic faiths prefer the facsimile attempt at reproducing traditional religions known as Wicca. This is the first ball they dropped. They should have taken the route of calling pagans like myself ‘rednecks’ because it would have that hilarious double meaning to it.

They follow this up directly with the implication that all ‘pagans’ are liberal feminist cucks who try to pressure Deus Vult lovers of Christendom to blaspheme their “God.” One problem with that – Conservative Pagans do exist and can be quite chatty if need be.

There is also the implication of constant substance abuse and tie to Hot Topic obsessed goth lifestyles. This couldn’t be further from the truth because growing up I was never once interested in being a ‘goth’ nor were a lot of fellow pagans I grew up around and also consider family, the only exception being my wife. I’d be more keen to suggest that you’d more often find that ‘pagans’ are naturalists. You know, like John Muir.

This attempt at satire then goes into trying to dub who is ‘pagan’ and who is not. Here is a tip, Satanism is not pagan, they just plagiarized some aspects such as Baphomet… not THAT Baphomet. They also try to tie ‘peacefulness’ to the mindset. I can see why this mistake is made due to the ‘do no harm’ tenet. However that does not mean don’t defend yourself, others, or fight. Sometimes its considered more harmful to NOT smack someone for being an idiot because without such convincing they won’t stop being an idiot. Keep in mind I said ‘smack.’ This doesn’t mean beating someone within an inch of their life or anything rash like that. I’m talking enough of a slap to the back of the skull to start up the almonds. Maybe slip in a bit of fire magick to give them a nice roasted taste. Also ‘kind?’ Making a LOT of assumptions there.

Next there is the suggestion that atheists ‘hate paganism’ more than any other religion. Thats stupid in two ways: First I’ve never heard even the most ardent anti-theist even approach paganism on any intensive level, likely because they view it as inconsequential. The primary focus of their vitriol is Abrahamic religions, especially Christianity. If you don’t want to believe me, you can try asking certain Christians on twitter, you’ll hear about it all day. I’ll just leave it at that. The other way its stupid is because some of the followers of Christianity and Islam cause infinitely more issues than people who worship the forces of nature do. Keep in mind I specified the followers of the respective faiths and not the faiths themselves. I did this to both show that  actions should be judged on an individual basis and not  collectivizing any group.

Part of why we have a lot of problems with human interaction is due to the nature to try to collectivize that is inherent in our frame of thought. This is one thing that I think needs to be broken in order to get society to broach men’s innate human rights. We need to push past our instinct to make groups into collectives. All of us are guilty of this at some level and it is a work in progress. Especially for me, I can be a little hot blooded and quick to jump on something depending on the subject. This is why I keep asking all of you to CRITIQUE ME! I need the challenge for fuck’s sake.

Next they jump onto a full section on Druids (if you can call a short paragraph a section). Not only is this entire section dishonest to the highest degree, but the jokes aren’t even good. This just speaks for itself.

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Once they’ve tried that bad joke they go for some ‘defining’ features.
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Opening up this hole with Goth/Emo kids which comprise something we’ll tackle later, following with shirts that have never been an interest of my own, Fuck I stopped being a Metallica fan before I even found my path. Not to mention that my brother was always the Metallica fan and he is a staunch atheist. As for silver, nudity and gems – not only is that because crystals are common meditative and mystic focus points in many variations of  pagan beliefs but silver as a precious metal tends to represent the Moon. With nudity I’ll quote the 1970s classic The Wicker Man:

Naturally! It’s much too dangerous to jump through the fire with your clothes on!

This of course talking about traditional bonfire dances for fertility rituals. For a movie that was meant to try to defame non-Christian faith (just check documentaries on the film) it got a lot right.  In fact when watching it from my point of view the intended villain of Lord Summerisle is not the bad guy. The bad guy is the main character who is trying to ascribe his own morals and values onto others, acting as a moral arbiter in the film. Sound familiar? Next we go with the excessive hair and ‘odour,’ First we aren’t all Uncyclopedia writers. We know when and how to wash. Also my hair can look quite epic. Next us wearing a pentacle is like a Christian wearing a cross or a Jew wearing a Star of David. They are rarely oversized now a days. I wear mine as an armlet so its actually rather tasteful. Seriously, though, conflating wannabes who dabble in the heavily marketed Hollywood versions of non-mainstream religions with their actual practitioners ruins the attempt at parody.

Also sure, I talk about how St. Patrick likely murdered a lot of the original priestly class of Ireland so he could replace it with his own. But I don’t attribute such guilt upon Christians of today. There no need to resort to collectivizing contemporary Christians together with dead genocidal zealots. As with any group I simply hold them to their own individual transgressions against myself or those who I know they’ve treated wrongly, but only if it merits it. I actually still have family and friends who are devout Christians who don’t hold my beliefs against me. We just agree not to delve into religious matters. Finally, try calling my wife a feminist and see what happens. Here is a hint, you might find your form contorted in unnatural ways for making the suggestion. Lacy really hates feminists.

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These ways to try to anger us however, are pretty weaksauce for the most part. The fluffy bunny thing though is kind of legitimate, and you should know it because if you are going to go for a hard r sort of bashing its best to understand what you are getting yourself into. Thats because fluffy bunny is our term for a poser, someone claiming the faith as a form of attention grabbing as opposed to legitimately honoring the real belief structures and rituals involved. Those ‘summoners’ from Vice are a prime example, especially if that was just a joke stunt, it was a stupid joke.  Ouija boards are fake as fuck. You are better off using it as kindling… and if they weren’t, they’d be as dangerous as they’re portrayed being in horror movies and only a fool would use one.

Uncyclopagan4Ok, now for these Yuletide presents, the problem is again that parody is a humorously exaggerated imitation, not all-out fabrication. My bitch mother’s interests in television series aren’t all that interesting. Not just because of obvious inaccuracies that are fine as artistic license, but because they are just not the best stories out there overall. Llewellyn… well if you want to know about that ask @arcadiaoccult on Twitter. Evanescence is overrated. Goats are for food only. Borat is not my preferred Sascha Baron Cohen character and I’m not going to tell you which one I do like, I’m gonna let you guess. Rachael Ray is a shit cook, I can come up with my own stuff, such as the mead recipe I really need to brew sometime soon. We don’t do human sacrifices really. Also the Wicker Man is an Ostara community project. But the most glaring thing I think some of you have noticed is the last two. I can’t think of two more distinctively opposing political analysts in Legacy media.

Honestly though if you are gonna give us anything for Yule, go for a secular interest. I’m not opposed to any of  you buying any videogames for my wife and I on our Steam Wishlist. Check for HeckticAngel on Steam, its a joint account we have.

Finally they go through a list of ‘types’ of pagans. Most of these are just repetitive jokes and attempts to make stereotypes that just don’t work, especially when tackling the male stereotypes, of which I counted 7 out of 21 focused as male bashing and an additional 7 that are gender neutral. The rest are 4 female specific or 3 that aren’t even insults. That makes 14 male bashing stereotypes against 11 female bashing stereotypes, but men can’t experience sexism. Now I promised I’d show some ways to make jokes that work and here are some:

“Wow, did you burn some bad sage or are you holding out on some dank weed?”

“Is that a wand in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

“For all your love of animals you sure seem to hate rabbits!”

“I’m going out Friday night, can you summon me up a dragon dildo?”

and finally:

“Hey tree fucker, how about you stop sucking the Green Fairy and get some clothes on?”

If you know or are a pagan yourself please put forth your own jokes in the comments below. I think we can all appreciate that. So what other lessons should we learn from this? Much like how I did for Wikipedia one should not trust user made content blindly. Always check and trace your sources back and use your own thought processes and observation of evidence to figure out whats really going on and how any one person may be trying to screw you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some grudges from the year to cleanse by midnight of the 31st. Blessed Samhain and Please Remember To Game Freely!

Alex Tinsley
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Alex Tinsley

A student of Fine Arts and Japanese culture of six years at Murray State University. Having never graduated due to difficulties with a specific teacher has gained a unique perspective upon the issues being faced by men and boys. A father of a young boy and loving husband.
Alex Tinsley
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Alex Tinsley

A student of Fine Arts and Japanese culture of six years at Murray State University. Having never graduated due to difficulties with a specific teacher has gained a unique perspective upon the issues being faced by men and boys. A father of a young boy and loving husband.

  • Michael Birks

    The only thing I go to Uncyclopedia for is the Kitten Huffing. Those Orange ones, man…

    • Anime-Mun

      Thats probably for the best, however this was an article that a fan had brought to my attention privately. The reason why being that someone did take their shit parody seriously. As pathetic as that is it did prove a necessity to clear up some of these things. So I obliged.

      If anything this should at least make people realize it is shit.