The Patriarchy was resoundingly smashed last month when renowned Salon.com contributor and probable human Chauncey Devega blamed genocide, slavery, murder, racism and poor table manners on straight white men with guns. The thrust of this seminal essay’s unique, penetrating insight is that white men love guns and hate everything else.
In xir examination of mass shootings in American history, Devega put forth the bold, original argument that “the common denominator is white masculinity,” even in cases where the shooter was female or a minority.
Devega continued by launching an all out assault on racism, observing that “America was born as, and remains, a culture and society dedicated to maintaining the dominance, privilege, and power of white men over people of color and women.” The Emancipation Proclamation and the 19th Amendment stand as proof of that point.
This revolutionary essay marks the first time straight white men in America have ever been blamed en masse for anything negative. Top hats and monocles were observed flying off patriarchs worldwide as news this unprecedented, paradigm-shifting concept spread.
Devega also noted “how Whiteness pays a psychological and material wage to white people in the United States.” As of the 2010 census, the wage stood at $1,371.46 per white person per month. People of Color receive no Whiteness wage, though a legal challenge has been lodged with The Man. Some unnamed sources suggest many East Asian immigrants have begun receiving a Whiteness wage. Jewish Americans have since approximately 1948. The Irish didn’t begin receiving it until 1960, the year John F. Kennedy was elected President.
The essay did not stop its ruthless attack on American history there; according to Devega, “white people,” “whiteness” and race itself didn’t exist in America until 1675, when “white elites decided to give white indentured men guns.”
The Whiteness wage wasn’t put into effect until 1676, when protowhite Americans realized that people came in different colors and decided to reward themselves for being the pinkest.
In a further brilliant, harrowing reexamination of the historical record, Devega states that by giving poor white men guns, the white plantation owners decreed that “black people would be slaves…the black body became human property and a vessel for White America’s wealth,” a situation that remains true and unchanged in all respects to this day, the Civil War and Civil Rights notwithstanding.
Devega ended xir bold reconstruction of American history by concluding that “too many white men love guns more than their children, wives, each other, and–as indicated by suicide rates–even themselves.”
So powerfully true was this heretofore unspoken notion that at least one white man shot himself upon hearing it.
The Patriarch himself was unavailable for comment.
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