By Tomás Allende Conte
I realized I was gay twice. The first time around the age of 10. To put this in context, we are talking about Chile in 2001. Homosexuality had been legal for only 3 years, and it wasn’t very widely accepted. I told my parents who, understandably, proceeded to convince me it was a phase, and since the lie was easier to believe, I complied. The next couple of years I spent in absolute denial. Even watched lesbian porn, which to this day I can’t really say I understand (Scissoring works? Really?) and every time a hot guy showed up on my screen or on the school lockers, my reaction was a form of exaggerated disgust, a defense mechanism that served to convince me that I didn’t find them attractive.
When I was 12 years old, I gave up. I was gay, a ‘’maricón’’ (faggot) and while I admit I felt relief over finally being honest to myself, the horror of this realization was much more overwhelming. By admitting this to myself, I had to confront that I was going to hell, that most of my family and friends hated me by de facto, that no matter what i did, I was a deviant, a pervert. A 12 year old shouldn’t have to feel this way. No one should. I discovered other coping mechanisms. Self-hatred (No one can hate me more than me), suicidal thoughts and near executions (There is a way out, this doesn’t have to last forever) and around the age of 13–14, drugs. Started with benzos, then mild painkillers, Ritalin, all mixed with weed and booze. I avoided social events, and if I attended, I had a little plastic bag of pills with me all the time.
There isn’t much to say about those years. I survived them. I did very well academically, and one day drunk at a party (at was 17 by this time), I told my best friend. He was extremely supportive, and helped me tell other friends, some of which had proclaimed they would beat a faggot that came out to them. They were bluffing, they were just as supportive, and most surprisingly, they apologized if they ever said something hurtful, which as a gesture, meant a lot. This were all straight men. I also came out to my family, and eventually as I was leaving high school, everyone knew. Nothing happened., I had been conditioned to think they would hate me, that straight men would hate the faggot. Yet, in my journey of narcissistic self-loathing I never gave them a chance, I undermined their humanity. For lack of a better term, I had effectively discriminated my friends over their sexual orientation for years.
However, years of drug use can’t be erased by support, and I fell deeper and deeper into a drug addiction that had been initiated by one concept, straight men hate me, and even though that had been disproven by their acceptance and honestly, their lack of fuck givens over the fact I liked dick, I ended up shooting up morphine and uppers and eventually going to rehab. But, I’ve already talked too much about me, and this is just a long introduction to what really bothers me nowadays.
I remember one promise I made to myself. Within my power, I wouldn’t let any kid grow up the way I did, ashamed of their sexuality, afraid of expressing their sexuality in a healthy fashion, afraid to be themselves. Yet, when I look at our current culture, not only schools, but colleges and beyond, what I see is a complete rejection of the straight male identity. Somehow masculinity became toxic, they started being told they were wrong by default, that they had an invisible privilege which served them no good yet they had to apologize for it, rape accusations became a threat as if not more damaging than rape and suicide among men skyrocketed.
As with any deliberate attempt to marginalize any given group, the demonization of the straight male identity starts in early childhood. The classroom has been feminized. Children are demanded to sit quietly for prolonged periods of time, and almost any form of physical activity that tends to be enjoyed by boys, even Tag, are being banned from schools all over the west. So you have a classroom filled with kids with a lot of energy being asked to sit still. The ones that can’t comply to that, which again, is a common masculine trait, are branded mentally ill and medicated. ADHD, while I won’t say it’s a fake disorder, since people who actually have it benefit greatly from treatment, has been over diagnosed to ridiculous levels. It’s to the point that a disorder that has a rate of prevalence of 1–2% (According to the ICD-10 guidelines, which I prefer since the DSM-V tends to be biased towards diagnoses) is being diagnosed to up to 20% or more children in certain areas, of which 3/4 are boys. Given the tremendous variance among states within the US (Anywhere from 5 to 16%) it’s pretty clear this diagnoses is mandated not by the medical community, but by the educational system.
The classical treatment consists in an amphetamine-type-stimulant (ATS) that usually is meant to last the duration of the school period, ritalin, Adderall, Concerta, Dexedrine and Vyvanse being among the most popular. These medications offer an immediate relief of the symptoms to children who truly suffer from ADHD, but a classic stimulant effect in those who don’t. Since most studies have been done in children with a much more robust diagnoses than the one being handed out in schools, and using ATS on healthy children is unethical, we simply don’t have the data on the long-term effects of ATS on children with ADHD, and not even short-term effects on children who don’t have ADHD. While psychosis, depression and mania are known (although rare) side effects of ATS, this tend to resolve when the medication is removed with no long-lasting symptoms in most cases. Now, saying these medications are generally safe and have very little potential for long term damage is not excusing the fact that currently, we are drugging our children at rates higher than ever before for acting in what normally would be considered a ‘boyish’ fashion.
There is a new trend however, a worse kind of drug being given to children for what I can only consider dubious conditions at best: Oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder and pediatric bipolar disorder. While I have Type Two Bipolar Disorder (Felt the need to disclose that for the sake of objectivity) and I have met many people with Bipolar disorder during my life, we all share a thing in common, the age of onset was between late teens and early 20s, and it was abrupt, people around us noticed that we were acting differently, which makes me wonder, how does a parent of a child whose personality is still developing can notice mania? My thought on that: They can’t, but many doctors are happy to tell them their son needs certain drugs. Methylphenidate and amphetamines were very profitable the years after their usage became common. However, patents expire, and the pharmaceutical lobby can’t allow cheap generic drugs being taken instead. Suddenly and with impeccable timing, the atypical antipsychotics were introduced to treat these primarily male ‘disorders’.
I don’t pretend to give a lecture on pharmacology, but I’ll explain the basics for context. The theory behind ADHD is a deficiency of the dopamine transporters on certain areas of the brain. ATS act by releasing or inhibiting the reuptake of dopamine, increasing its concentration in the synapse. As controversial as their use is, it makes sense. Antipsychotics however, do not. They work by antagonizing a number of receptors, particularly the D2 dopamine receptor, the very same one that is stimulated by ATS. In simpler terms, they do the exact opposite as what the theory says is needed to treat the condition, they should have never been thought as options. Furthermore, these drugs are not approved or tested in pediatric patients, the children taking them are the guinea pigs of the pharmaceutical industry. What I find the most interesting is that while adult women take these medications at a higher rate than men, the opposite is true when we talk about pediatric patients, boys are more than 2 times as likely to be prescribed an antipsychotic than girls, simply looking at the numbers it would seem more women are willing or need these drugs when they can consent to take them, but more boys are forced to.
ATS are the most prevalent type of drug prescribed to children. Boys in particular have nearly a 20% chance of being prescribed one of these highly addictive drugs. As bad as they can be for a child who doesn’t have ADHD (and in some cases, even the ones who do) my fear is that the so-called second generation antipsychotics will become the norm, as their usage becomes more and more common. Possible side effects include weight gain, metabolic disorders, diabetes, extrapyramidal symptoms and neuroleptic malignant syndrome, which is potentially deadly. So, why would anyone prescribe something like this to their child? Well, some behavioral disorders don’t respond to ATS, disorders with symptoms such as defiance, hyperactivity, ‘acting out’ (literally), anger, temper tantrums. In other words, being a boy (and in some cases a girl). That’s the disease, boyhood. Bipolar disorder doesn’t manifest itself until late teens, and in children who are diagnosed it’s very common for the doctor to cite comorbidity (more than one condition at once) without thinking for a moment that maybe the diagnoses criteria is so similar because this diagnoses were targeted to curve behaviors commonly displayed by boys. Now we are seeing a rise in girls being diagnosed with these conditions. That’s the natural course. Once you can’t diagnose anymore boys, you have to go for the girls, the ones that are hyperactive, defiant, the ‘masculine’ ones. When you attack an identity, you attack any given human that adopts that identity, so if you happen to hate men, girls are the next target, maybe to a lesser degree, but no child should be misdiagnosed and given a drug that 10 years ago was only used to treat psychosis.
So, we tell boys as young as 6 that their identity is a disease, we drug them with increasingly more dangerous drugs and let the pharmaceutical industry make a huge profit out of this. This is how most boys in the west start their life. Before they have even figured out who they are, the very essence of their humanity is demonized and erased. Now comes the next stage: They have to be taught that this is a privilege. Some schools go as far as do exercises of separating students by race and gender, and telling them how oppressed they are, or if you have the ‘privilege’ of being a straight white male, how oppressive you are. Maybe we do live in a racist and sexist society after all, just not the way it’s portrayed in the media.
What happens then? Well, for most men, nothing, end of the line, time to get a job. For most women and some men, college. And now we take everything I have been implying but we shout it out as fucking loud as we can. Are you white? Are you straight? No one asks for your life history, your achievements, your sorrows, they will judge by your race, gender and sexuality while buying another Che Guevara T-shirt and proclaiming to be activists for those 2 words I’ve come to detest: “Social justice.”
The college experience varies a lot, maybe you’ll never run into a radical, or maybe you will, and they will not only confront you but dismiss you at the same time. If your university happens to have consent classes, and like George Lawlor you decide to say you’re not a rapist, some random cunt will call you a rapist the moment she reads the headline. And for the love of anything that’s holy, DON’T fuck a feminist. Just don’t. Don’t ask them anything, don’t engage with them. Offering a cup of coffee in an elevator is sexual assault now, if you tell her she looks pretty you may as well have told her that she’s a cum hungry whore. These people have no comprehension of normal human interactions and absolutely no self-awareness. They call men sexists while typing #KillAllMen, they call white people racist while creating segregated spaces, they call you homophobic while reading an article on why gay men are the most misogynistic. (Being gay doesn’t help, they’re that delusional.)
And there’s one issue I wanted to avoid but I simply can’t. Rape. The hysteria is palpable nowadays, the word is as overused as it is politically charged. One day there’s a claim that cat-calling is sexual assault (Don’t cat-call. Pissing off feminists is fun, but it won’t get anything). The next day a girl claims she was raped 7 months ago; the guy was drunk, she wasn’t, and she wasn’t forced, but she FELT forced. That guy gets a 2 day kangaroo trial and is kicked out of college. If you happen to be raped, it’s likely no one will care, and since you’ve been conditioned to position yourself as the victimizer, you probably won’t even realize it.
So, after all this fear mongering, my proposition remains the same as when I was 18 years old and decided I’ve had enough. Be yourself, and don’t fucking apologize. You are not a defective girl, you’re not an oppressor or a victimizer, you were not born with invisible privilege. You’re a human being with the same value as any fellow human is given at birth, and no matter how much intolerance discourse you hear, how many bullshit collectivists arguments you are presented. The only person who can decide your value is you, and all this insanity, this is nothing but a fake environment, it’s not reality. Be your own person and don’t look back, you’re not a racist, sexist, homophobe by default. My friends weren’t, not a single one. And if you happen to encounter a bigot who says otherwise, there are more of us, the sane people, the ones that care about human beings, not colors and genitalia, the ones who will be your friends not despite but because we disagree on certain matters. There are people who will stand by your side when you face the bigots if anything to remind you you’re not alone. The radical feminists and their equally fucked up crowd, they are the ones who got indoctrinated. They are weak minds who couldn’t survive without becoming their aggressor. That fact alone makes you stronger than them, and more often than not, a better person. I survived a religious indoctrination, one that told me I was sick, a deviant the moment I was born. And if you’re reading this, so did you.
Congratulations. The worst is over. What’s coming is what you make of it. Ignore the loud, disgusting intolerant voices and find the people who will love you for who you are. They exist. You’ve just gotta look.
You can follow Tomás on Twitter.
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A gay man says “enough is enough” and turns defiantly against the toxic culture propagated by Third Wave gender feminism. He deserves a long standing ovation.
I too struggled with self-acceptance: I am a baby boomer who grew up uncircumcised in the USA. That struggle did not end until I met the woman who became my wife.
Thanks! To be honest, it was people like the ones running this site that made me realize my own reality, also known as…reality :p. We all have our own stories, and i think it was the feminist conception of gender as a class that made me realize just how deep it runs in our culture. And, i don’t want people to grow up like i did, i’m fine now, but it took years of treatment and introspection. Men are being subjected to that now, and like Allison said once, we keep pointing out the groups instead of the behaviours, and it’s the same behaviour.
“We all have our own stories, and i think it was the feminist conception of gender as a class that made me realize just how deep it runs in our culture.”
My experience is that gay male and straight male are essentially two inter-connected but still separate genders. This comes out of my life experience of moving from the straight gender system into the gay.
I too struggled with self-acceptance: I grew up uncircumcised in the USA.
There are more of us than you might suspect. 🙂
In my city, a strong sarcastic voice critical of the feminist power grab, and defending str8 cis men, is a beautiful trans woman.
It is perhaps hard for those under 30 to understand how homophobic (especially against gay men; lesbians were ignored rather than victims of hatred) our Western society was only a few decades ago – even in stereotypically liberal Sweden, where I grew up. There was an edge of hatred and disgust to the homophobia that made many of us not only face discrimination, but also turn that hatred towards ourselves – which, in hindsight, was much worse.
So, first of all, the current rhetoric about heteronormativity and transphobia strikes me as disproportionate, if not alien. We are not in that world anymore. I am out at work and in society, can marry my partner, and the tiny bits of homophobia I do face every once in a while is remarkably superficial: just witnessing us as a couple has, I think, changed many people’s minds, including my 95-year-old grandparents. And while heteronormativity is an issue, it is much less so now with gay characters on TV all over, and it is definitely not oppression per se.
Equally jarring is the idea that homophobia against gay males stems from devaluation of the feminine. At first compelling, the idea is ridiculous: we faced pure hatred, disgust, self-loathing, and even capital punishment for who we loved. Women faced being judged by their looks, underestimation of their abilities, but at the end, also the respect that the gender in control of the survival of the race needs for pure survival if nothing else.
And now, I can honestly say that I am glad to be gay. I have privileges straight men could only dream of: I can make jokes that could count as sexual harrassment if I were straight, I can be friendly to whomever I want without any tension or misunderstandings; I can play with the kids when I visit my colleagues without nervous glances; I do not need to bend over backwards to toe the line when women’s issues come up at work; if I were single, I would not be subject to unsavoury assumptions (what is wrong with him?); and I am simply more interesting to many people than I would be otherwise. Were I at a college campus, I could just be myself, be open without being militant, and not even have to think about the psychological pressure that make men resort to videotaping their sexual encounters. And to the extent that straight white men actually do face de facto discrimination through affirmative action (most of which is informal, which people often forget), I probably am less affected, at least if the person knows that I am gay.
In fact, the only way that I feel disadvantaged because of my sexuality is one which has as much to do with my gender: the resistance (even from gay friends), the wonderment, and the legal jeopardy we are facing because we want to have children through surrogacy or adoption. The argument that a child needs both parents come up, including in men’s rights fora in defense of fathers’ rights. I understand the reasoning, but I think there is quite a bit of internalised misandry as well as homophobia in the suggestion that we, a gay couple, married for 10 years, and with the motivation and passion necessary to go through the surrogacy process and invest two years’ wages, should be sub-optimal parents – when millions of children are born every year into abuse, neglect, and poverty just because they did not use contraceptives. And, I submit, a men’s rights issue more than a gay rights issue (mostly because of biology, but also because of their sex, Lesbians face much less resistance – although, of course, theirs is a struggle as well).
But the most important reason I support men’s rights is much more fundamental: as someone not comfortable with the male role as a teenager, I want to fight for the role of both genders to be what they want to be and gain respect for it. We did that for women (although I think that had as much to do with radical increases in wealth, safety, and comfortable employment opportunities as feminist campaigning), we made enormous progress for gay men and women, but much less so for straight men. True, it is amazing, it is not, how many ways there are for teenagers to be “cool” nowadays compared to just a few decades ago, but the mere fact that even the most urgent, reasonable MRA demands can be denounced as misogyny without facing public ridicule, is indicative of how, underneath the surface, we still view men by their utility and disposability. Although I have a libertarian streak, I have to say that the Swedish law to apportion parental leave to both parents (soon 3 out of 12 months) has been an enormous benefit to men, in terms of coming closer to their children but also avoiding the negative career consequences of longer absence from work. Some MRAs are against such social engineering, but it has done wonders for equality in my country and I know of no father who regretted taking parental leave, but of many who would not have done it if it were not mandated, often as a concession to the mother.
So yes, gender roles are difficult to overcome, but looking at the Swedish law and the amazing, undercelebrated gains for gay men and women in just a few decades, should give us hope. I even support the saner examples of gender-neutering day care in Sweden – we should not suppress what children want to do or demonise an entire gender, but the intense pressure to do boy’s stuff I felt growing up was terrible for me. For me and most men whose predilections fall outside the narrow male gender role, such an approach, shorn of its ideologically motivated single-mindedness and inflexibility, would probably have been liberating.
A long post (I would be glad to write a full piece if the web site invites me and explain better), but I am honestly interested in hearing what gay and straight MRAs think about this and the alignment of gay and men’s rights in general. A full supporter of the movement, especially the direction of Farrel, Karen Straughan, and Fiamengo, I find there is remarkable little discussion of how strongly related gay and men’s concerns are.
What do you think?
I agree with pretty much everything, the politics i can’t really say since i’m not informed on the matter. But i do think gay people who grew up in difficult enviroments have a particular insight on what’s going on with straight men in our current society, we can identify it and realize it’s wrong, even if the concept of such a massive group of people being done the same is hard to believe.
I’m 24, but i live in Chile, so, it was a hard enviroment. However, even if you grow up in a hostile enviroment, something as simple as being told there’s nothing wrong with you. and who you are, can make a huge difference. The diagnoses and medications…that’s a harder topic, it’s something i hope i may work from the inside once i get my degree, but it’s a societal mentality, i am of course not sugesting we should go to an ultra-binary system where boys are forced to be masculine and girls forced to be feminine, but this idea that common male behaviours constitute a pathology is disgusting.
I hope people are able to see how fucked the current system is, that they can comprehend that yes, this is being done to half the population, and likely more since this type of aproach doesn’t even fit all girls either, and we’re seeing a raise in ADHD diagnoses as a result. When you’re medicating up to 20% (or even more in some areas) of the students, isn’t the logical conclusion that the system is the problem? Not the kids? And even if you’re obstuse enough to say it’s the kids fault, how is that even possible…they are kids. No one should have to grow up feeling like they are lesser of a person over their gender, or sexual orientation, I hope we start to move in the correct direction. I don’t have the answers…but i had something to say about it. And…that’s something, not a lot, but something.
I disagree about idea of “particular insight.” Were that so it would’ve been gays, non-whites and women who created the U. S. Constitution. I know what you meant by that but it is just a version of the feminist concept of “intersectionality,” where the most “oppressed” have the most insight. Everyone has a story and it is not right to assume entire racial-sexual groups have led a teflon-coated sugary existence where the idea of fair play is beyond their imagination.
Typed a very long answer, and it was shit…anyway, if you’re gonna take any message from this, I know what it’s like to be judge for being your own person, and nowadays the idea that boys are being ….emotionally brutalized, it doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. So yeah, i used the gay card, but not for myself. Privilege is the most retarded concept ever, PLEASE don’t imply i would ever use that shit.
And you have a particular insight on any issue, everyone does, my point is that gay men in particular, we know what it’s like, and now GOD FORBID you are homophobic in school, so…what if a fag says i’m ok, but they aren’t?
I understand the cynism, and who knows what is getting lost in translation, but i failed my friends, and it took me years to even fucking realize it. I don’t want that to happen again, i don’t want more people in pain being considered secondary because ”they are not opressed enough” whatever the fuck that means anymore. If you wanna criticize the article and my ideas, go ahead, but doubting my intentions will get you nowhere, because the moment i say ‘believe me’ i have turned into Anita and…if someone answers with Listen and Believe i’m gonna drink bleach. So, be as doubtful as you want, but be fair and don’t put words in my mouth or intentions in my head,
Sorry, bud, I perhaps overstated a point. I liked your article and didn’t mean to be pedantic.
It’s fine, that’s what you get for posting a piece on a forum where people are not indoctrinated and actually think for themselves :p
I just wanna do my part, even if it’s small, i understand the skepticism, and the intro was a little long and too…about me, i just couldn’t make it shorter without losing part of my original argument.
Oh, and thanks for liking it! 🙂
You are right that we should not fall into the “privilege” trap, but we should also, I suggest, be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater or polarise the discussion unnecessarily – that, after all, is what we rightly accuse feminism of.
Tomas put it better than I, but let me try to explain in my own terms. First of all, there is no insight one group has that is closed to the other group; after all, humans beings can communicate and show empathy. Second, let me give you some examples of what I mean at least. My dad, a police officer, military type, has taken care of my mother all his life (she was disabled), made the money, raised me, and put his life in danger several times to protect society. I laud him for that, but never once have I seen him question his responsibilities or seek solace and support. If I raise the issue with him, he brushes it off; just thinking about yourself as a victim just for a moment was unthinkable.
And perhaps he truly does not question it. But many gay men see this suffering quite clearly; we often have instincts that go counter to the narrow male gender role and have until recently faced wrath and disgust simply for wanting to be ourselves and never hurting anyone.
Sure, many straight men understand this, but my experience is – many do not, or at least repress any thoughts in that direction. As do of course many gay men.
This line of thinking could be feminist, I suppose. But I assure you I am anything but; not only because they do not incorporate a male perspective, but even more because they perpetuate exactly the kind of traditional gender role that my father has fully adopted. Dare to stray from it, and you will hear whiner, loser, and male tears – in other words, the faux progressive version of “boy’s don’t cry” and white feathers. Much of what they say about gender roles rings true (if lacking in nuance), but their actions serve the exact opposite purpose – a hypocrisy I find disgusting.
“I know what you meant by that but it is just a version of the feminist concept of “intersectionality,” where the most “oppressed” have the most insight.”
One more example of how feminism fucks everything up. Gay men do indeed have a special insight into the heterosexual gender dynamic, but only because we see it from the outside, have no real stake in it, and try so very hard in our younger years into middle age in my case –
Lesbians lead the feminist movements in both the late 19th century and then in mid-century 20th century; so it reasons that gay men would lead the way for the “masculinist” movement.
Honestly, I see it as standing up for men, simple as that. Feminism is shit, I would never start a reponse movement . I see that as replacing a right wing dictator for a left wing dictator. I just want the movement dead, replaced with nothing but common sense and basic human decency. That’s all we need.
As someone who is over 30 (Your cut off age is 30? Really??) and spent his teen years in the mid-80s to mid-90s (by your calculations that would be about 20 years ago) I can attest we were probably a bit more liberated and a bit more open minded than today. Keep in mind, while gay marriage was not on the MSM each night, it WAS debated within the gay elite activist circles–and their conclusion was gay marriage was a big no-no for gays–too bourgeois, they considered it. Any gay person who advocated for it–and I was one of them–was shot down as self-hating (this was before the term “homophobe” became popular). I also had supportive straight friends and my family generally accepted it from the start. The wider public, from my experience at least, didn’t care that two men (or boys) might walk down the street holding hands. Some seemed mildly intrigued by the open freedom it demonstrated. Most of these people who supported us were straight men, perhaps even leaning more toward the “conservative” side. They were hardly the metrosexual types we see today. I grew up on the East Coast of the US, so perhaps my experiences are different from someone in Bulgaria or rural Texas, but probably not too much so. Think of Madonna with a pointed brassier and short shorts bending over toward the audience on stage. We weren’t that backward 20-30 years ago. If you consider today’s climate of Political Correctness (and there were some elements of it creeping up even by the late 1980s) we were more colorful, more happy, more open, and more free than what you see the whiny basket cases of today, who have NO concept of history. We don’t need your generation’s idea of “social justice” which is just another way of tossing us into a time machine and setting it on 1962.
Warren Farrell is the great American social scientist who defends the male gender.
Janice Fiamengo is a Canadian woman academic who has called BS on the grimness that is Canadian Third Wave feminism.
Karen Straughan, who is an authentic working class Canadian and may be self-educated, is THE person who made me see that there is something deeply wrong with the way many men are treated. She once debated Naomi Wolf (Rhodes Scholar and former adviser to Al Gore), whose condescension and disdain for Straughan was very very revealing of the way class divides North Americans. Wolf’s disdain for Straughan was the European lord’s disdain for his serfs.
Sociopathic ideologies – especially one’s that are approved by mainstream culture – are going to tend to attract sociopaths. If they are cleverly disguised as “social justice” – as is Third Wave Feminism – they will also attract the naive who like to pretend they are Marlon Brando marching with Martin Luther King.
If you look at this cult we often refer to as “SJWs,” that is exactly the mix you see. You see people who obsessively blog and Tweet about whites the way the KKK talks about Jews and blacks. If a black stand-up comic jokes about thinking his name was the n-word, I can say I think my name is “white tears,” “male fragility” or “cis dude.” When those types of defamatory slurs become acceptable, you see the entire group using them, many of them without a hint of self-awareness of what it is they are engaging in.
What they are engaging in is the same thing which created GLADD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. It’s the same thing which created the ADL, the Anti-Defamation League. The key word there is “defamation,” as in group defamation. Obviously both groups using the same word don’t cancel each other out. The reason for that is that group defamation is always wrong. SJWs have convinced themselves that is not true for men, whites and heterosexuals, and they say straight out it’s not possible for women, non-whites and gays to be racist, sexist or gender bigots, and they hide behind the stupid ploy of claiming it is a question of power. However the concept of equal protection comes with no rewards points, and when it does – as in the case of affirmative action and hate crimes – that is not law but a corruption of law.
In the case of older and real anti-oppression movements, people used to beg others to be color and sex blind. Now the charlatans who claim to have inherited those movements demand the exact opposite. That tells you everything you need to know about the corruption they are selling.
A very well-written article. Some very moving rhetoric. Thank you, Tomas, for sharing your story with us.
As for the issue of homophobia, where many of your peers SAID they’d bash a gay man but were all supportive when you came out. I think that’s because the gender roles are forced on males… we didn’t CHOOSE to be born in a society with these gender expectations. Nor did we just all arbitrary choose to “let’s make masculinity partially defined by aggressive heterosexuality” at any moment… all of that was culturally thrust upon us.
As such, think of the young male peer group. Its like a game of poker – they’re all under the pressure to prove just how straight/masculine they are, and saying homophobic things is an effective way to signal one’s heterosexuality to a group of peers whom are all presumed to be heterosexual in the first place (but they’re all in the same position of course). Any deviation from traditional masculinity gets socially punished by humiliation and ostracism. So a lot of their homophobic behaviour probably isn’t motivated by actual homophobic sentiment on their own part but rather a desire to fit in and be “one of the guys” and the like.
When you came out, you kind of gave them an opportunity to escape the poker game since you put your cards on the table first. They didn’t have to do homophobic things to prove their heterosexuality/masculinity because in being understanding and supportive, they were doing something which is expected of men (to support their real friends and back them up… “bros before hoes” after all).
This is just my theory about your experiences though. I’d like your opinion of it.
Great article anyway and thank you!
There is one part i left out, a person i knew told me they had gay bashed a guy and made him beg with a gun to his face. He didn’t beg, he told them to pull the trigger if they were so brave, and they didn’t. That’s how i feel the gay community used to be, unapologetic and never asking for shit. Now…fucking wedding cakes. It’s a disgrace.
But back to your point, they were acting like they were supposed to act, catholic school, middle-uper class, mostly conservative parents. I just think that it’s so much more notable how accepting they were, the perceived homophobia was indoctrinated into everyone, myself included. I may have acted the same way if i had been straight, but actions are much more meaningful than words, and their actions came out of friendship and humanity, the bigotry was the collective. I’m 24 now, i have no resent for the church or my society, but when you’re a kid, it can easily drag you down into a very dark place. That’s why i wrote this, because my belief that gay people are just as human as anyone else is not limited to a demographic, and what we’re seeing now with boys and the straight male identity, it’s the same shit in another flavor. The behaviour is exactly the same, maybe different people, but that means nothing, it’s a behaviour that leads to self-hatred and lack of purpose, and i can’t stay silent over it, i had a difficult upbringing, in my case, being gay was a big part of it. If you start doing the same to another group, i take that personally, specially when that group is where most of my friends who lifted me up from my own self-hatred belong to. Basically, don’t fuck with my straight male friends.
As an outgoing pussy lover, “go hit on the guy yourself, I’m not your dad and you are not 5yo. The worst that can happen is rejection, then you move to another guy.
I’m not going to waste my whole night hitting on guys for you, just saying!”
This is sage advice to anyone. Fortunately for us the bath house culture is a chance to learn this by immersion. You walk around showing interest and getting turned away and the next time getting taken back to the other guy’s room; you learn that the rejections are just a part of the interaction.
Point on!
The worst that can happen is a no!
Articulate and knowledgeable. A pleasure to read. Thank you.
I thought your story started off well with its account of real life experience then pivoted mid stream to nonsense. Good luck with your mission dissuading heterosexual men from marrying feminists. They’re gonna do it anyway and then be happy with their choice of wife! Most kids don’t have ADD, and in schools it’s kids who can focus and take instruction who dominate. It’s a minority who disrupt the learning environment, like ADD kids, but these also disrupt the home environment, and their parents are the first to agree to having them medicated. Not because they are bad parents, but so they can have a semblance of a normal life, and leave home in the morning on time. Make up your mind to write about your life or your passion for social justice, and make the focus of your story one or the other.
I said don’t fuck a feminist, refering to campus life, which i think is sensible advice nowadays. I mentioned that ADHD is a real condition, but it is diagnosed 10 fold in comparison to the actual rate, and the new meds being pushed would worsen the condition while masking the behaviour, they can do a lot of damage, considering dopamine antagonists can fuck up the neuronal development of children.
It isn’t a critique, it’s an opinion piece, and there is a reason i included my personal experience along with the main subject. No one cares about men and boys, not in the mainstream, so i changed the focus into a comparison of how the demonization of the identity of a child is wrong, no matter what. I don’t have a ‘passion’ for social justice (triggered), i have an opinion, and you’re welcomed to disagree with it, but don’t tell what to write, that’s honestly, none of your business.
One thing I’ve learned by experience is that nobody died and made the medical professionals god. Your experience, research and opinion cannot be invalidated just because you don’t have ‘MD’ after your name. Or because you don’t have a kid with ADD – even though you have firsthand experience with both mental-heath treatment and the medical/psychiatric community. So write what you want and let your words stand or fall on their own merits, not on who thinks you should (or should not) write them.
Thanks! Just looked up instapundit, I had no idea, but…I’ll certainly thank him.
He’s known as the ‘blogfather’ – it’s a compliment to be linked.. and definitely increases the number of eyeballs by orders of magnitude. As a point of interest, he’s politically independent, but many conservatives (often the small-government, constitutional-conservative, libertarian-leaning types) frequent the blog. He links Gay Patriot and Conservative Lesbian (who writes about depression and stuff too) – as well as NeoNeocon and others who have left their liberal roots.
Anyway, sending a hug.
Thank you for writing your piece. I agree with it wholeheartedly. Perhaps 2016 will be the year the tide turns and we can get back to some rationality and the SJW movement will be long forgotten, like the Occupy Wall Street fad. We’re talking about children, and what the radical feminists, which control our schools, are doing to boys is criminal. We must mention that boys as young as 5 are being labeled as “sexual predators” and expelled for kissing little girls on their cheeks. Zero tolerance is largely a left wing tactic to assault little boys. Women are not being victimized en masse today as the SJWs declare. There is no “war on women.” There is, however, a war being waged against boys. Any parent should be storming school boards with pitch forks and torches to stop it. Oddly, it’s gay men—like us—who are leading the charge. I suppose that we see things more clearly, being both on the inside AND outside.
I have a son with possible early onset bipolar (officially, at this age, it’s non-specified mood disorder) the manic stage might not be that different from normal young male behavior, but having a seriously depressed kindergartner is. There is a hell, and it’s holding a suicidal 5 year old while he sobs
The really important thing is getting the right diagnoses and treatment. By no means I think mental illness is not an issue in children, and your son certainly would benefit from the treatment. I didn’t adress that much, but it’s a real issue. VERY real, specially for you. Go to a specialist in mood disorders, and try to get a second opinion if you can, at that age diagnoses can be very difficult. Psychoterapy should be the first line treatment, but your kids (for what you’ve said) may need medication. Be VERY careful with antidepressants. If he happens to be bipolar, they can trigger a manic episode (happened to me). Also, have a full blood work of sex hormones and particularly the thyroid, sometimes it’s endogenous and can be controled by the correct hormonal suplementation (thyroxine being the most common) I can’t tell you a diagnose, I am not a doctor and I haven’t seen him, I can tell you that your support as well as therapy are vital. If the doctors wants to go in the antipsychotic route, I’d sugest Aripiprazole (Abilify) since it has the lowest incidence of side effects, it’s relatively mild and the risk of serious side effects is lower. Antidepressants are difficult at such a young age, since they are not really tested in children, and like I said, they can do more harm than good if the person, specially children, have an untreated mood disorder, so while I wouldn’t outright discard them, it’s something to keep in mind. Finally, if the doctor decides on a mood stabilizer, lithium should only be used if the diagnoses is clear (I take lithium, it helped me a lot, but I started taking it at 22). I’ve heard Oxcarbazepine has shown reasonable effectiveness and low incidence of side effects. Avoid stimulants (Ritalin, Adderall, Concerta, Vyvanse, Strattera) since they are a clear contraindication in untreated bipolar people.
The bottom line is, yes, it’s gonna be hard, and he’ll need his mom, but there are treatement options, psychotherapy having the most evidence regarding it’s effectiveness, but if medication is needed, remember, go very slow, lowest possible dosage, very small increments, and it’s likely he’ll have to try a few meds till he finds the right one, it took me 4-5 years (I was functional, just not as stable as I am now). My mom was amazing when it came to all the meds, therapy, even with my drug abuse, your son can get better, he’s very, very likely to do so, so don’t lose hope, not because of a higher power, but because objectively, he’s much more likely to get better. I hope you and your son the best and hopefully you’ll find a line of treatment, whether it’s psychoterapy, medication or both, that will work. Hugs!
Thanks, He is MUCH better now than he was in Kindergarten, three years of therapy, 2 1/2 years of medication (Abilify and methylphenidate) and (perhaps most importantly) a move to a new town and a new school with significantly increased reccess time have made a huge difference! And in some ways early onset is a blessing– I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with the rages he had frequently a couple of years ago in a hormonal and muscular teenager, and he’ll have years of making therapy and good self care an ingrained habit before he becomes an adult responsible for arranging those things himself.
I really think a lot of it is genetic — he hit the lottery in the physical health and looks department and lost it in the mental health area :/ I have depression and inattentive type ADD, I didn’t know his father very long or very well; but there were definitely issues!
Awesome! When I read your comment I thought you were just starting the process. Abilify is relatively mild, it’s a good choice if neuroleptics are necessary for such a young boy. I’m really glad he’s doing better. I think therapy is key in the sense that boys don’t tend to develop much of a concept of self-care and, the therapist will help him with that. And yeah, early onset has advantages, when I had my diagnoses I was 18 and it took years of adapting and learning how to do things differently and take care of myself, and your son seems to be on a path of having that figured out from a very young age. The one thing we don’t emphasize enough is that depression, bipolar, ADD, etc, they’re managable, it’s not the end of the world to be diagnosed, it’s a matter of adaptation, and you’re doing a great job with your son. Hugs!
Mr. Conte, thank you for writing that. It had to be exhausting emotionally .
I do definitely think that homophobia and racism were very major issues when I was growing up in the Deep South in the 70s and 80s. I would like to believe they are much less issues now.
I think the over-sensitivity in the current environment leads to real, actual discrimination and damage being overlooked or dismissed because there are so many accusations that we have become accustomed to constant, usually unprovoked nattering. I think there is a reasonable balance between pretending to be a man trying to act like a neuter, and being a brutish troglodyte.
A call for sanity is fair. Thank you.
John
Bigotry is universal, and bigotry against children is universally evil. Sexuality, gender or race, doesn’t matter, what matter is who is being told they were born wrong, and right now, that’s boys…took me years to get my shit together and realize that a lot of what I went through as a kid had been self-inflicted. Bigots don’t have to actively go after children, just, whisper a sentence and the kid will complete it in a way to blame it on himself. It’s no different from what I went through, growing up with the assumption that you’re wrong, sick, evil, promoted by ideologues. There is no word for this, racism is both ways, so is sexism, this is discrimation of boys and men on the basis of gender and sexual orientation. In my case, that’s called homophobia, in their case, it’s exactly the same, just to a different demographic.
And thanks for the comment! :p
Thanks Tomas, very insightful and useful information.
Attention-deficit disorder among the students or Attention-Keeping Deficit Disorder/Attention-Keeping Deficit Hypoactivity Disorder among the teachers? I say it’s the latter 999 times out of 1,000. Treatment is simple, shoot the teacher full of amphetamine–then she’ll perk up and do something that will reward student attention. Simple.
Good article, the erasure of male identity by certain elements of society is a pressing issue. How do we turn the culture towards affirming the uniqueness of everyone without making everyone into a special snowflake that whines at the slightest provocation?
Try turning 11 or 12 and realizing your attraction to male and female classmates feels exactly the same. Not being able to express that because being gay was wrong, something to be despised. Burying that for 32 years and wearing a mask to pretend you are “normal.” I just came out in 2014 as bisexual, and it was liberating to finally feel comfortable with my public persona.
Overdiagnosing of psychosis is a big problem, and not just for young males. The dependency on pharmaceuticals is driving us insane. While I do suffer from depression and severe social anxiety, being off the pills has forced me to actually deal with my issues, rather than being numb to them. Sometimes it’s a struggle, but I feel alive, I can think clearly (most of the time,) and I want to engage people (most of the time.) I have a wonderful boyfriend who has been living with me for 9 months now, and we plan on having a future together. I never would have thought way back in my pre-teens that I’d be thinking of marrying a guy.
The times they are a changin’ Not always for the better, and not usually as quickly as we’d like, but they change whether we want them to or not.
Peace…
Very few things I consider a must read, this is now one of them.
Thank you.
Thanks!
Bravo!