Out Magazine ran a revolting article slamming gay men who have married women. It should be ironic that it appeared in Out, but sadly it is just one more example of the man-hating sepsis of fashionable feminism that is polluting the LGBTA community. Clearly it is time for us gay men to break away again and form our own communities.
The article is short and sour; please read the whole short thing.
It starts by focusing on Kaye and her woes. Kaye:
“In Brokeback Mountain, which I was very sickened by, they treat the wives as these weak, wimpy women,” Kaye says. “One was very stupid, and the other was a naggy, whiny wife, so you feel like she deserved it. I think people perceive straight wives as unsympathetic. They don’t feel bad for us. We are never the heroes.”
Oh that’s right – Brokeback Mountain was really all about dumping on the women. They’re real victims in that story – not the men who were crushed into roles and relationships by society’s bigotry against them. Thanks for clearing that up for us, Kaye. It’s always only ever about the women, the real victims by definition. Narcissist.
“Since 1999, Kaye has sold more than 25,000 books with titles like Straight Wives: Shattered Lives, The Gay Husband Checklist, and How I Made My Husband Gay. Her monthly newsletter, Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk, reaches 7,300 subscribers. She has two mantras that she beats into her followers, both blasted at the top of her Web site and newsletter:
Life was never meant to be this complicated. period.
And, you can’t fix a broken man, but he can break you.”
Broken man? Hardly. Any gay man with the strength to stay married to a straight woman for any length of time is hardly a weakling or a broken man, unless the relationship did that to him. By the way, Kaye, your sexist man-shaming language is duly noted.
Sold 25,000 books? So this is a career for her. So she’s a moral entrepreneur. That explains her Ferengi moral flexibility.
The article continues:
”She broadcasts a weekly radio talk show, Straight Wives, where she interviews other crusaders, survivors, husbands, and openly gay men who sleep with closeted married men. On a recent episode, one guest, a slow-talking Texan named Debra Sutton who’s involved in a support network in her home state, discussed her recently self-published book, Signs of a Gay Husband: Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors.
Those signs, for Sutton, include physical and verbal abuse, obsession with the gym, constantly grooming (wants to be ready for a sexual encounter at any time), secretive computer time, long trips to Home Depot, and derogatory comments about female smells.”
Derogatory comments about female smells? Oh let’s play flip the genders here. Is there any man who has not faced constant comments about how men stink? How about the depraved justification for circumcision that gets trotted out, that it’s for “hygiene”, because an uncut penis harbors “stuff”. And speaking of flipping the genders, you know that the smell of smegma is the same as fish sauce (patis, nam pla, nước mắm.) And when whichever one it is complains that gay men call women “fish”, guess what these men are referring to. Same same.
“Often, as the husband begins to grapple with his sexuality, these marriages become marked by manipulation and psychological and physical abuse.”
Some proof to back up this slanderous generalization would be appropriate here, but the gay white knight author of the article probably has none. But while we are on the topic of abuse, the stats are pretty clear that women commit the majority of psychological abuse and initiate the majority of physical abuse, so if there’s abuse in these relationship, guess who it most likely is coming from.
The article quotes Kaye some more:
“I call it gay-lighting,” Kaye says. “Like gaslighting, they make you feel like you’re crazy when you start to have suspicions. You question your ability to have clear judgment. They make you feel like you’re imagining it.”
Gay-lighting? You should call it by its right name, straight woman – the closet. This is how the closet works and it is straight people like you who make it a matter of survival.
Kaye is not done yet. Next she displays her profound and almost inhuman ignorance of what these men go through and the pressures to conform that they face:
“They aren’t heroes. They are men who made a mistake. Fixing a mistake doesn’t make you a hero,” Kaye wrote in a recent newsletter. “To all the gay men who never…married a woman, let me applaud you for being a hero, which means you had the courage to say NO when the tide turned against you. This was truly the noble quality that makes a hero.”
Kaye has no idea of what a hero is. That’s the first thing. The men made a mistake? Society doesn’t think so. The culture taught them do exactly what they did. They were playing by the rules, rules that straight people like you, Kaye, devised. That takes more strength than you can ever understand, Kaye. So how about you just suck it up and man up, at least a little?
The second thing is that Kaye clearly has no idea of what a gay boy faces in the way of pressure to live the straight life. She has no idea of what Brokeback Mountain was about, two men doomed to hopeless attempts to fit in and comply, sacrificing the one true love they would ever know.
“Keegan Hirst is now Britain’s first out Rugby League player.
Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, the 6-foot-4 captain says that being open about his sexuality has been a relief.
“At first I couldn’t even say ‘I’m gay’ in my head, let alone out loud,” Hirst says. “Now I feel like I’m letting out a long breath that I’ve held in for a long time.”
Raised by a single mother on a council estate in Batley, Hirst struggled with his sexuality for years.
“I had a wife and kids. I’ve been a builder, doorman, worked in factories, I play rugby. I tick every macho box. How could I be gay? I’m from Batley for goodness sake. No one is gay in Batley,” Hirst said.”
But why ask an actual gay man about it; we have Kaye to femsplain it all to us.
The article goes on to mention and quote another woman, Barbaretta, who is a great deal more human about this whole issue than Kaye manages to be.
“When a man represses his sexuality and he starts to come out, it’s like he was stuck in adolescence and now it’s a newfound freedom,” Barbetta says. “He feels joyful and happy, but for the straight wives, our lives have been lost. Our hopes and dreams are shattered.”
Okay, this part I get. This is exactly how a lot of men feel when their wives initiate a divorce. There is panic and vertigo as you see your life upended. But these men get no sympathy, and I have to say neither does Barbaretta, at least from me. While I can see that on a personal level these women suffer, on an interpersonal level they are instruments of a homophobia. They are the iron maiden these gay men get jammed into. When with a boy grows up hearing nothing but hatred and contempt aimed at gay men, how is it any surprise that he marries a woman? And it is always pushed as some kind of moral imperative, just one more example of male disposability.
“I’m a firm believer in forgiveness,” Barbetta, a Catholic, says. “Bonnie looks at it more as acceptance.”
“I’m not a Christian. We don’t have that forgiveness thing,” Kaye says, referring to her Jewish background. “I tell women, ‘Forgive yourselves.’ ”
Uh no. Since these women aren’t the wronged party, and haven’t directly wronged anyone, it’s not their place or their repsonsibility to forgive anything. But that’s about Kaye’s level of moral awareness.
The article winds up with a particularly nasty story, nasty on several levels:
“Not everyone gets divorced. A new term has come into use for these couples: mixed-orientation marriages, or MOMs. Bobby and Sue, not their real names, met in 1982 in Manhattan while they were both in high school. Within two months, Bobby told Sue of his physical attraction to men and she arranged for his first sexual encounter with a guy, a friend of hers. Bobby and Sue married, had a son, and moved into a grand apartment in an 1885 Italian-revival building near Central Park, where they still live with their son, now 24.
Sue allowed Bobby to have “playdates” — trysts with men — which Bobby says still happen once or twice a year.
“Most couples in our situation are flying under the radar because no one wants to out themselves as a mixed-orientation marriage,” Sue says, sitting with Bobby in their living room before a pair of floor-to-ceiling Tiffany stained-glass windows. They worry, she adds, using her own case as an example, that people would say, “Bobby is just hiding behind me to have a straight life.”
“We’re in a relationship for 33 years. This is us,” Bobby says.
“And we’re not staying together because we have to,” Sue adds.
But in the summer of 2001, Bobby fell madly in love with a man named Tom who was closeted and married with children. Tom lived in Chicago, they met online, and soon the two were making regular trips back and forth. It marked the beginning of a difficult time for Bobby and Sue.
“Before then, I never knew I could be emotionally attracted to a man, only physically,” Bobby says.
“They had sex while I was out,” Sue says. “It was a little odd at first. I’m walking around the streets looking at people, thinking, How many of them have husbands at home having sex with another man while they’re out doing the Saturday-morning shopping?”
Sue eventually came on board, and the three would take trips to Atlantic City — Tom was an avid gambler. Bobby and Sue became fixtures in Tom’s family. They went to his daughter’s wedding and spent countless holidays in Chicago. The lie they told Tom’s wife and family was that he and Bobby bonded in a 9/11 chat room.
In 2005, four years into their relationship, after returning from a Fourth of July visit with Tom and his family, Bobby got a sudden call from Tom’s wife that he had been diagnosed with cancer, was in hospice, and had only a short time to live. He jumped on a flight back to Chicago and found Tom in a hospital bed, his wife asleep on his shoulder.
“I touched his hand and he woke up and said, ‘Kiss me.’ But then his wife woke up,” Bobby says. He begins to cry. Tom died the next night with his family by his bedside and Bobby standing against the wall in the hospice room, watching Tom take his last breath.
“That was the hardest thing to do,” Bobby says, choking up, “not being able to touch him.” He flew back to New York the next day. But first, he went over to Tom’s house to erase his hard drive”
Erasing his hard drive. More “gay-lighting, I suppose. Because that’s the most important takeaway, isn’t it, the thing you choose to end the story on, rather than the civilized accomodation this couple has built.
That’s the first nastiness. The second is presenting this civilized accomodation as though it is some kind desirable model for others.
If this post seems disjointed, that’s because this is an initial reaction. I was disgusted and disappointed to see an article like this in Out.
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