FEMININITIES – A “Real Woman”

“Masculinities” is a buzzword that was going around a couple of years ago in the femmisphere and in “Gender Studies” departments on campuses. And since feminists feel entitled to pronounce to all the rest of us on all matters gender-related, they felt entitled to pronounce on masculinity and all its problematic aspects and to analyze it in their smug Moral Guardian way. Well, it’s a good idea even so. It’s a good idea to look at “femininities” with the same withering, critical eye.

You started to see checklists of what a Real Man was appearing across the gendersphere. There is an example below, in italics. So here’s you a checklist of what makes a woman a Real Woman, interpolated between the bullets of the Real Man checklist:

– A real man can carry on a conversation with a woman.

A real woman can carry on a conversation with a man and actually hear what he is saying. She does not censor him when he talks about his feelings by calling him weak or whiny, and she does not insist he talk his feelings in the same terms and in the same way she would.

– A real man does not take constant shit from a manipulative female in return for getting laid.

A real woman does not inflict shit tests on a man to see if he is worthy of being admitted into the presence of her wonderfulness. A real woman does not chose men to date based on their income. A real woman does not throw drama fests and treat her man like an emotional football to kick around. A real woman does not deploy tears like weapons.

A real woman does not trade sex for what she decides is good behavior, or for favors, or for trinkets and jewelry. A real woman does not do these behaviors and then turn around and sneer at prostitutes.

– A real man does not NEED to exert his perceived ‘dominance’. Nor should he want to.

A real woman does not feel she should make every decision around the house because she is “the lady of the house”, she does feel she should decide housework needs to be done and how it should be shared. She does not feel she knows best in all things when it comes to the children, especially babies.

A real woman does not think she has the right to police men’s language or make judgments on their conduct when it does not effect her. A real woman does not imagine she is the Moral Guardian policing everyone else’s wrong thoughts.

– A real man does not feel he has to demand sex, nor does he have a right do.

A real woman does not feel her womanhood is insulted or her attractiveness questioned when a man fails to express interest in her or does not want to have sex. She does feel she has the right to gay-shame or nag him, or go ahead anyway when he is drunk.

A real woman does not feel she has the right to inflict physical injury when a man does not want to have sex with her or when he “fails to satisfy her”.

– A real man checks himself before he looses his temper.

A real woman does not think she has the right to fly into rages, that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” so she can get away with her wild rages, she does not think that passive-aggressive sniping is real communication.

– A real man is not a doormat.

A real woman knows the difference between having a pussy and being a pussy.

A real woman does not blame her passivity on men, or use it to hide in their shade and protection, or exploit to wring material advantage out of men.

– A real man realizes he needs his alone time, and that a woman needs her own.

A real woman is not threatened when her man wants time alone. She does not feel threatened that he doesn’t text her every hour or isn’t on a short leash every time she calls him. A real woman does not resent time he spends with his friends and she doesn’t presume to choose his friends or run down the ones he chooses.

– A real man keeps himself up for a woman, especially if he expects her to do the same.

A real woman does not obsess about her body image. A real woman does not maintain her self-esteem with a retail addiction and think she is what she wears. A real woman does not try to make a Ken doll out of her man. A real woman can enjoy clothes as an art form and an esthetic expression without dragging the whole family into credit card debt.

– A real man respects a woman, especially if he expects her to do the same.

A real woman respects a man. She doesn’t belittle the things he loves and enjoys such as sports or cars. She doesn’t consider him some kind of child she has to overseer and correct and mold into her idea of the perfect man.

A real woman understands that she is not due respect from anyone, because Respect is earned through the merits of her actions. She does not expect respect from Men by virtue of her gender. A real woman understands the difference between treating someone with the dignity due every human being and “respect”. (Hat tip – Commentor Brian C. Rideout) 

– A real man uses caution when entering any relationship that is going to last more than one night and protection every time, especially on those nights.

A real woman doesn’t sperm-jack or lie about pregnancy or about the paternity of her child. A real woman does not feel entitled to a child. A real woman does not feel entitled to have a child by one man and defraud another man into raising and supporting that child.

– A real man can handle a woman’s criticism, and offer it in return, without being a jackass.

A real woman can handle a man’s criticism. She does not ask loaded questions such as “Does this dress make my ass look fat?” A real woman can offer criticism that is not an attack.

– A real man does not resent a woman for his own mistakes and shortcomings. Nor does he resent her for her talents and accomplishments.

A real woman does not blame a man for her own timidity and failures of courage. She does not blame him for her passivity. She does not blame him for her actions or allow others to try to justify her actions by asking what he did to drive her to do them.

– A real man stands up and takes responsibility, even if a woman won’t.

A real woman takes responsibility. She doesn’t dodge accountability, She doesn’t try to excuse her violence as being somehow less injurious, she doesn’t try to make it all the man’s fault.

– A real man does not do something just because that is what all the “cool” (PC, emo, manly, feminist, MRA, progressive, whatever) men are doing.

A real woman does not go to some Women’s Studies classes and decide she is all oppressed and downtrodden and then go home and lecture her man about what an insensitive, misogynist brute he is. A real woman does not let her friends talk her into saying she was raped after she has had consensual sex.

A real woman does not let her friends talk her into demanding a vacation or expensive gifts so she can feel truly loved, and she doesn’t demand jewelry after a birth as some kind of payment just because that’s fashionable. A real woman doesn’t engage in competitive bragging about her man, or her engagement ring, or her kids, or their teething or potty training or how soon they started to speak or how they can play the violin at age three already.

– A real man does not blame his misfortune on anyone. If his own doing brought it about, he accepts it, if it was the doing of others, he deals with it.

A real woman does not think her man owes her a cushy, carefree, exciting life and decide to cut him loose when he fails to jump through that hoop. A real woman doesn’t run sobbing to a man’s arms when things go wrong and expect him to make it all better and accuse him of being less than a man if he doesn’t.

– Real men don’t whine (neither do real women, for that matter).

Real women don’t use tears as instruments of manipulation. They don’t get toxic when pouting and sulking fail to coerce their man into bending to their will.

– Real men are entitled to complain, discuss, or have issues with a situation, however.

Real women have a right to cry and complain and to insist they feelings and complaints be treated with respect.

– A real man can get burned just as easily as anyone else.

A real woman knows when and how to suck it up.

– A real man’s ‘place’ is wherever he is best suited in his partnership to be, be that in the work a day world, or in the home.

A real woman’s place is the one that suits her best at the time, and she doesn’t worry about the condemnation of bystanders of her decision. She doesn’t feel guilty about being some kind of inadequate mother or engage in compensating behaviors to assuage her guilt. 

A real woman judges men as individuals and not as faces of some undifferentiated mass. A real woman does not say “All men….” And she doesn’t say “Boys will be boys…” with a sneer in her voice.

– A real man does not let other men speak for him, he does it for himself.

A real woman denounces those who presume to speak for her as liars and posers and frauds appropriating her experiences and struggles.

– A real man does not place his lusts over his partner’s rights.

A real woman does not put her vanity before her partner’s humanity.

– A real man resorts to physical violence only as a last resort and only overt physical violence in true self defense.

A real woman does not resort to proxy violence with false claims of victimhood and expect men to come running to protect and avenge her. A real woman does not view the legal process as her means of getting revenge. A real woman does not attack and then call the police when her victim defends himself against her.

 

And yet, the Real Woman checklist is not on a level with those Real Man lists, because unlike some non-existent Real Woman narrative, the Real Man narrative is a real instrument of manipulation and behavior control women can use on men, the same way men do. Can you think of any similar narrative gender-shaming little girls for not being feminine enough to be “real women”?

But it’s a start. Additions gratefully considered!

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  • Robert Crayle

    On of the most bizarre encounters I have had with ‘Real Man’ lists was at the website AkMen.com (which I personally recommend you avoid – I can’t think of any real person offering such consistently dreary advice). It contained almost 150 points, yet the truly mind-stopping moment was in the 120’s with a piece of advice that went somthing like:

    124) Don’t ever let anyone tell you what a Real Man is. Your life is your own to define.

    THEN WHY DID YOU WRITE 150 MOTHERSLAPPING ITEMS FOR PEOPLE TO IGNORE? Was this list a TRICK? What was the point?

  • Copyleft

    Typo in the ‘demand sex’ section: “She does feel she has the right to gay-shame or nag him”

  • http://www.wildmanproject.ca Brian C. Rideout

    This one got me thinking

    – A real man respects a woman, especially if he expects her to do the same.

    A real woman respects a man. She doesn’t belittle the things he loves and enjoys such as sports or cars. She doesn’t consider him some kind of child she has to overseer and correct and mold into her idea of the perfect man.

    Might I suggest adding:

    A real woman understands that she is not due respect from anyone, because Respect is earned through the merits of her actions. She does not expect respect from Men by virtue of her gender. A real woman understands the difference between treating someone with the dignity due every human being and “respect”.

  • Ginkgo

    Might I steal that?

    Look for it above the line!

  • http://www.wildmanproject.ca Brian C. Rideout

    Thanks for the hat tip, Ginkgo, I am glad you found it useful!

  • http://dannyscorneroftheuniverse.blogspot.com Danny

    I’m no longer much of a fan of “Real ____ Checklists” (unless they are meant to be funny) but this one is pretty interesting.

  • Ginkgo

    I hate them, Danny. I think they are demeaning frankly. This one is really intended ironically in a two-can-play-that-game kind of way.

  • Lili

    I’m a female, and a feminist, and I didn’t really have an issue with anything that was said in this post, nor in the list it references. People should treat each other as responsible, intelligent, honest, respectful human beings – regardless of gender, race, religion, sexuality, etc. That doesn’t always happen, obviously, but both of these lists appear to be prescriptions toward that kind of egalitarianism.

    I do find it ironic that women have been subjected to (much more condemning) “real women” type lists via magazines, television, etc. for many decades, which is why this double standard now exists in the first place. It seems that it takes men a little less time to get vocal about that kind of hypocrisy. Kudos, fellas.

  • Ginkgo

    Lili, welcome and you make a several excellent points one after the other.

    “I do find it ironic that women have been subjected to (much more condemning) “real women” type lists via magazines, television, etc. for many decades, which is why this double standard now exists in the first place.”

    This came up somewhere else and the consensus was that there really was no equivalent for women, but that consensus was wrong and you are right. The whole damned women’s magazine industry is an endless Real Woman list. But there is one important way in which they are not equivalent: men don’t write the Real Womene’s lists the way that women write them for men. If you look at both lists, the Real Man list is a lot more geynocentric – being a good man for a woman – than the real Woman stuf si androcentric. And that’s one good thing about the real woamn stuff, at least it focucese women away form centering everything on men.

    “It seems that it takes men a little less time to get vocal about that kind of hypocrisy. Kudos, fellas.”

    We’re way behind you. Thanks for the compliment, but we are way behind women in brioadening our gender roeels and pushing back on people imposing them on us. we have a ways to go yet.

    Anyway, I sure hope you stick around.